Digital Catalyst~

So much has been going on that I've often meant to create longer blog entries for this, but couldn't tear myself away from my tumblr.

For weeks now, I’ve been waking up at 5am. If not 5am, then 4:50 something. No matter what, it’s either really close to the fifth hour, or in it. Sometimes involving at least two fives in the number, but I never really get a look because I’m half asleep. I recently found out that it’s a higher divine being trying to send me a message, and today I decided  to look into it further because I woke again at 5am.

A lot of the meaning of the number 5 has to do with myself, changes, and other positive things. It sybolises progression and personal freedom. (And let me tell you, I’ve been held back so much in my personal freedoms and recently decided to take my personality back and do what makes me happy.) Multiple appearances of this number five represent much needed changes for the better that will be coming. Good energies and opportunities are being ushered into my path along the right direction, according to the meaning.

Since I woke multiple days to notice the number 5 twice in the clock sequence, I also looked into the meaning of “55”. This seems to be a message from the beings that I need to break free of old restraints that have held me back in the past (And I did! But now it’s causing another road bump - oh well I guess?) I’m being told that these changes either need to occur or already are.

Because of the amount of vibrations I’ve felt, I’ve looked into the vibration meaning of the number. Though I often steer clear of negative meanings since much of these things come to me through astral beings, I went ahead and read through them first. I’m documenting this because literally none of the negative connotations applied, as I assumed they wouldn’t. The vibration meaning of the number 5 just reconfirms everything else, resonating with personal changes, life lessons, etc. - which makes me very happy!

My Day On Warped

My YouTube account has been encountering some problems, so my Warped post is now about two weeks late. I guess better late then never, right? Anyways, now that I've been able to get my video up here, I'm just going to paste from my tumblr the blog entry I've written:

"Hi guys! So, my day at Warped was pretty amazing. Daniella and I got up at about 6am to start getting ready and left with Christen and Anthony at about 7:30. Our outside adventures were pretty great - we discussed taking shits, met some cool bands that were out promoting, and played some games involving the styles of the people around us. (Mostly I made jokes about how many times I had seen Wolf and Andrew in half an hour.) Somewhere along the line, Anthony ended up losing his ticket, so we had to go to the ticket booth and show the bank statement to get him a replacement; I was also told I couldn’t bring in the poster I had made for New Beat Fund even though I was going to write their set time on it and walk around for them, so I ended up just folding it up really ghetto and shoving it to the bottom of my bag. Pretty intense before even getting in.

I ran into them and their Ghosty hands at the entrance and went to the tent to talk to the others, which was cool. For a while I walked around and hung up little posters with their set times, like in the girls bathroom and stuff and after that I just aimlessly wandered from booth to booth. An hour passed I’m sure before I really did anything else - i.e. buy merch and find friends. (A video of all the merch I bought or acquired can be found here and is only 30 seconds long.) After that I went back to the NBF booth and hung out there doing nothing really because I had nothing better to do. Wolf and Andrew showed up right as NBF was going to do their set, so we went to see them.

[Clearly, I like to give details on everything I did in my day. Guess I don’t like to forget any parts of days I enjoyed immensely.]

After the set the guys were going to split up again and try to sell CDs and show people their music; ended up going with Wolf and Andrew, and Wolf’s way of trying to sell was really A+. I don’t know what was more entertaining: Wolf trying to sell CDs or his singing during the Motion City Soundtrack set. Best set of the day. Maybe. It was amazing and I’m super happy to have seen them live; their music got me through freshman year. After that was more CD selling, searching for water, etc.

Then we all met back up since Chris wanted to see Bring Me The Horizon for his birthday - which was pretty cool because I completely forgot about that set, and it ended up being really amazing. Amazing in sense of the music being live, not really the people. Getting kicked in the face by crowd surfers really is not the business, plus I’m so short that I just get squished by everyone around me when they push. Thankfully, I didn’t die because Chris is awesome and made sure to hold onto me so we wouldn’t get separated. Despite all of the pits around us, I was able to watch a good amount of the set. Oliver Sykes had some seriously calming vibes. Unfortunately, I ended up having a heat stroke during the last song which really sucked because I was just done after that.

Donovan got separated from us so we ended up going to get water and back to the Music Saves Lives tent, at which point I was ready to give up on life. Then when I went to use my inhaler it wasn’t working anymore and was empty (maybe smooshed in my bag too much?) so I couldn’t breathe. Luckily for me, the guys were going to leave and Wolf offered to take me home since he felt bad leaving me there like that. Insert super happy dance here because he had his inhaler in his car and it was a complete regeneration like I was on top of the world after being able to breath. The next two hours were spent at Burger King and driving back home from Pomona, which was probably one of the most fun times ever because of how generally entertaining they all are. (Not to mention the fact that we played the Gatsby soundtrack.) I was slightly sad when I got home and realized back at Warped, The Wonder Years would be starting their set, but I’d rather be in a slightly-not-okay health situation like I am right now than having stayed and possibly ended up having to go to the hospital. All in all, it was a really good time with really good people and I can’t wait for next year. “Best day ever" was really a fitting theme.

[Still laughing at my sister calling “So you’re bringing Wolf home?" Probably should have just showed up instead of calling first, oh lawdy.]"

Little sisters are from hell

I'm growing more and more tired of having a younger sister. No matter how much my mum and stepdad deny it, it really is all about her. At least, if she wants something, he's jumping up to get it or take her or whatever; when I ask, I get yelled at about how it can't always be about me.

Today I am particularly pissy about it because of the general way she acts. She walks around dressed like a slut, which is my number one problem. No, I'm not slut shaming or whatever. She's just 13 years old and it is in no way appropriate. Not only that, but I'm still not allowed to dress the way she does. Then she wants to walk around being a little bitch, which makes it worse. I don't want your ass in my face while you make smart ass comments, idiot child.

Anyways, I asked her for her drawstring backpack, so I can use it for Warped on Friday. I literally cannot afford to go buy any bag of any type and she's borrowed literally all but two of my bags/purses - which I'd use but hello, Warped is not a place for leather purses. She brings it to me, with the drawstrings ripped off. Seriously? Are you fucking serious? You couldn't say "Oh, it's broken"? You bring it to me destroyed? I wouldn't really care, because it's hers, but the fact that she's destroyed everything she has borrowed from me and her things just pisses me off.

How selfish can someone be? She really needs a good ol' fashioned beating or something. Every time I turn around she's ruined something that doesn't belong to her or she's got tons of bags of chips open and wasting. It isn't a big deal, but when it adds up that she's got 15 bags on the table that are now stale and belong in the trash it's a problem. Other people in the house could have eaten that. Not just that, but if she wasn't going to eat them then the money adds up - that's a new drawstring bag right there. Growing up I was taught not to be wasteful and to respect the property of others or property that is going to be shared. I don't understand why she has no disregard for any of that.

Now I'm sitting here flipping my shit trying to figure out why she gets so much fucking attention and I'm trying to be conservative and can't even get enough attention to go get some vinegar so I can finish my shirt for Friday. I'm sitting here crying at my computer because my poster can't be finished without the paint that has magically gone missing, my shirt can't be finished without vinegar, and I can't get anything ready without a damn bag. Everyone just needs to fuck off me today.

Dysfunctional to disowned

When Jordan first told me that we'd all be a family, I didn't think I'd fit in. And although it took me a while, time proved him right. Last year was probably the most amazing theatre family I had. This year, I am the matriarch. And it sucks. It isn't at all how it was supposed to be, or even how I imagined it.

Everything is secluded. Joe, Javon, and I versus the little Asian girls and their friends. Tomorrow is supposed to be an awards banquet, and when I announced it they all started talking about some beach thing they were doing. All year, I have not been invited to any of the "theatre" things they've done. It's not a "theatre thing" if it's not planned by the whole group for the whole group.

It upsets me so much to see how all of Ms. Sully's teachings have gone to such shit for some girl who wants to control everything and do really nothing just so she can look successful. And there's so much I have to say about it that I can barely think. Honestly, I could probably write a novel about how my theatre family when from dysfunctional to disowning me. It hurts. My theatre "family" sucks this year.

Glitter and Googley Eyes

Lately I've gotten really busy with the production of "Daylight Romance" as well as finals. It's been about two weeks now that I've been meaning to post, but I just haven't had the time at all. Other than school, I've just been trying to put together outfits that will make me feel better about myself, but I haven't really been succeeding. I still feel like shit. I'm still fat. I'm still ugly. But these outfits are cute. Plus, my hair has been dyed again. Though I do sort of wish I had just left it alone. (Another topic below these four OOTDs)

On Saturday, there was a conversation Luis had started with me. It's literally been bothering me that long. Not so much the conversation itself, but the fact that it seems there's a reason behind it or just that he had something on his mind I guess, and the fact that he ignored something he started. I don't really know how to explain myself, just that I like to document things in the moment and then I can't really decode them later on.

Here's how our conversation went:

Luis: But my point is how could we be friends if there's other things going on in your mind????

Me: There's always other things going on in the minds of people like me Luis. Why so curious?
Luis: Nothing subconcious that will arise later? Nothing that will get in between a friendship??
Me: Christ you sure do know how to make one feel backed into a corner. Subconcious? I don't really know. As for something that will get in between a friendship, I think I could prevent that.

Then there was the:

"Sorry but I've been in this situation before. Two girls. One I wanted and the other that kept everything to herself. Turns out that the other girl ended up liking me more than the girl I was chasing."

And we can't forget the:

Me: I feel odd now that I'm at a loss for words... I guess I just don't like to talk about things when there's a higher risk for me to be sad after I have.

Luis: Yeah but there's a higher risk of losing a friend over hidden emotions. So please, talk this through when you can.

Me: If emotions are hidden, then there'd be no risk.

Luis: Yeah, it seems that way until someone ends up getting hurt.
Me: It's usually the one who tries hiding emotions. Anyways, I suppose I could start with the night you asked me if I still had any remaining feelings. Maybe 5/6 months ago. I said no, even though I felt something, only because I wasn't sure what it was and wanted you to be happy. Maybe a month later, I felt a regret in doing so but knew it wasn't likely to have made a difference had I said so.

Luis: Yeah I remember but I'm focusing on now

Me: That's the thing, it's just as before with my not knowing exactly what's going on in my mind, and preferring to just keep quiet.
Luis: No, not this time Bridgette! I want this done and out in the open please.

Then there was the sending of messages at the same time which resulted in this:

Me: Why? It's not a problem and if you say it is, it's because you're making it so. It can't be very obvious or anything that there is some small feeling, especially because I've got no idea why.

Luis: But you're right. I'll ignore it.

Me: Just stated above so it clearly can't be ignored.

I mean, I just don't understand his train of thought. Like, why would this be anything similar to the other situation with the two females? And where did the concept of "hidden emotions" come from? I just don't understand why he seems to care so much about something that has never been talked about. Where did his theory, or blatant knowing, come from?

Belonging

Today was the first workshop for Colourguard, and I loved it. The girls are all really awesome and there are some pretty cool people trying out. I learned everything pretty well I think, but I'm really worried for the dance portion tomorrow. Like freaking out type worried. But I sort of feel that sense of belonging.

On the plus side, I can practice until I get better (not perfect, because Practice Makes Better, Not Perfect, is what the old coach would say) because Gloria brought me her old flags. Since she went to Narbonne, they used short flags though. It's better than nothing, and one of them is even a blue and silver flag.

Here's Christen, Melissa (who I just met), and I.

A smile was all he gave to me

Well, there was the smile and a bit of conversation so I don't get what my mind is trying to tell me. Daniella says the dreams,and drift-off daydreams that I don't realise I'm creating must mean something. It's just starting to get bothersome because there's black need for the dreams unless the universe itself is trying to tell me something - which I'm doubting in this case.

My mind is everywhere and I don't know why. Even my pictures are saying I must not have my head on straight - they've all been coming out blurry here and there.

In other news I went mother's day shopping today. I got quite a few things for my mum. Pretty useless things now that I really think of it. I'm quite the terrible gift giver unless it comes to romantic things.

Rushmore has now been added to my collection, though, so I'm somewhat happy.

A kiss to build a dream on

Recurring dreams. I do not understand them at all. Usually mine are about things that are never going to happen anyway. But that isn't why I'm writing here. No, I'm writing because of all the weird coincidences that come along with my recurring dreams.

Like today, I had the dream again and I woke up. It was about 3:30 and I had a message on Path about going to Denny's with the guys (assuming at least 2 out of the 3, if not all 3 that were in the dream, simply because they all hang out.)

It was the strangest thing. Not because of the dream, but because none of them really ever acknowledge my presence and usually want the one who does to stop. That, and, it was such a casual thing coming from one of the guys, as if they do it all the time.

Perhaps it could have been fun, but they were all drinking (lucky them) and I had for be in class at 11 (unfortunately.) This doesn't even begin to cover the dream I had after going back to sleep, but it was actually a sweet dream. Oh, boy.

Photo: Help me escape my own mind. (An accidental selfie that I don't remember.)

Nowhere to belong

More and more since the beginning of the year, the school year I guess, I've felt a lacking sense of belonging. At this point all I really have to look forward to is the end of term. The people pretend to care, pretend to understand or know about things when they really don't.

"Once a Colt, always a Colt." Obviously not. Obviously, that's long dead and gone. Campus no longer feels like the welcoming place it once was; no longer feels like the place that made me feel like I was living a bad 80s film.

With the break of the school into three Ms. Sullivan was given a choice between what she could do, leaving drama behind and going to one of the new schools was the best opportunity after all the effort she had given, so she left. And with her left the spirit of the theatre that had once existed there. It's more painful than it should be, yes, but the drama club was the one place I could belong and feel okay most often.

Upon her leaving and the discovery of the new advisors and teachers, I decided to take up being president so that I could continue to keep the magic that existed under Ms. Sullivan's watch alive. Sure it was good at first, but more and more I've been made to feel inferior and unwanted, even though it is and should be the exact opposite. More and more of a burden theatre has become, but I can't just give up halfway through the year. That's not how I was taught.

Even through all my hard work for keeping theatre alive, things have somehow gone down the shitter. I can't tell if somehow I have let them down, or if they are letting me down. That's how bad it's become. Everyone just about cast in the play is doing so bad that I might have to cancel. It's hard to think that I'm even a part of this.

There was also journalism. When I found out that I could write for the paper and be a voice for the student body, I felt such a strong sense that I could belong there. Not to mention the admiration I had felt for and how I had been changed by things from the op/ed section the prior year and how that had made me want to write for the paper. And so I joined! And I felt that sense of belonging! I was given articles and getting to participate in the activities with the editors and made the photo editor.

Just like the lacking sense of belonging that left with members not wanting to listen or participate or do what they should in theatre club, so did my sense of belonging in journalism: fellow journalists making me feel unwanted, editors not assigning me any stories. It sucked and it stressed me out to be in trouble over not doing my job when I wasn't given one and there wasn't one to take.

When it came down to having to leave or suffer due to health issues, of course I had to leave. And so today I had asked if I could help with the final paper of the year, to belong and do great just one last time (Once a Colt, Always a Colt), and I was told no. "It's all or nothing, Bridgette," Ms. North said with the added Frenchyness to my name. It's too bad that even when I was there I had nothing, so I guess it's nothing either way.

I have nowhere to belong.

Lets dance to Joy Division (A Photo Diary)

So after my giant venting entry this morning was a long bout of sickly attacks and panic attacks, and then a few hours of Psychology testing for college credit. I ended up hanging put with Samm, Mariano, and Jesus afterwards. I Also finished some artsy stuff I was working on as well as read Samm's zine (which was great.) My stepdad read it too, and he loved it. Got the cute Existential Crisis sticker on my tablet cover~

Also, some pictures Samm took of me.

Y do u make me suffer bcs ur life sux? (A Serious Blog)

Yes, I suppose my title sounded sarcastic but it wasn't. I really don't understand why people with unfulfilling lives have to jump into others to create messes just to have some sort of satisfaction. What does one really get out of making someone else feel the need to harm themselves, like they are a bad person, or just want to disappear? I'm sure the satisfactory feeling cannot last that long if you actually need to hurt others to thrive, so it seems pointless.

I wonder when it came to be that people got mad at their friends for sharing interests. Growing up and even now I think that people search for others with common interests, hobbies, and thought patterns, etc. That's what makes this all the more confusing. Surely if one wants friends with some common ground to share, then they'd only be angry out of jealousy.

Picture this: you have a friend in grade school, maybe year 6. At that time there isn't really much to have in common as far as hobbies go, or at least I never noticed. It was always about a favourite band, movie, television show, celebrity, or disliked teachers and schoolmates in common. So you have your best friend. Then you have similar interests in books and films and what you want to do on your free time.

It sounds like it shouldn't be any trouble, and I have rarely known it to be. Most of my friends are happy to have common interests. So why has it become such a problem between Taira and I?

Back in 7th grade we became fast friends because we were into the same trends and things before they'd trend. She, Stacie, and I all took yoga together and it was one of our favourite things. Then as we got older it was more Stacie and I finding our own groups of friends but staying close, and Taira and I finding our own groups of friends but staying close. Going to different schools being the reason, I'm sure.

As our friendship continued, so did our quests to find ourselves and what we wanted to be and do. It's a shame that somehow that got in the way. At the start of high school I was all about fashion, modeling, and photography (both serious and just for fun.) We'd have small photoshoots, both of us styling the outfits and taking the pictures, hair, makeup, and editing being her thing. As it continued I became more serious about my photography even though I could not afford a professional camera; then so did she, who ended up getting a beautiful DSLR with multiple lenses. Of course, I was a little jealous over what had become her nice, new toy, but I wasn't going to let that get in the way of our friendship. And why should it have? True, she didn't have to work for her camera while I would, but those who are hardworking are the ones that make it right?

That was just start of many instances of my interests being handed to her, and her interests being things that also sometimes interested me. Somewhere in all of this, back before the photography thing was Livia.

Livia and Taira had been friends for the same time as Tara and I, though it seemed as if Taira did not really want Livia and I to be friends or Livia did not like me. While that was a problem in the beginning, Taira again tried to get us to befriend each other and we did. This friendship is one of much in common, with frequent arguments in the beginning, we've discovered many similarities and have worked out any small bumps along the way. There is when it seems Taira had some issues - now her best friend was Also my friend. Not the entire cause of her hate for me, but surely some.

This last year has become most of our problem. Having enrolled myself in multiple college courses, and her being on her high school drill team, I would figure we wouldn't have that much time to argue. It seems I was wrong; even through all of that this year has held the most problems in our 6 year friendship.

It was probably June when Kris decided to tell Taira he liked me, and she decided to let me in on what the situation was. And what was I to do? This boy was my friend Alex's ex, and for obvious reasons that would only cause problems. Not to mention I was already involved in something that had to be a secret for reasons I can't even begin to explain. So I told Kris that I just wanted to be friends and get to know him (clearly, I couldn't say I was in a relationship.) He'd ask me out for ice-skating just about every weekend that summer. It was lovely, and looking back I should have excepted. But, as prior mentioned: involved.

When the start of term came, in September for Taira (August for me), things were good. Exciting. She had found a boy to like, and hopefully that boy would actually treat her like the princess she is, unlike the rest. Me, my summer interest had seemingly been ripped away from me by people who couldn't mind their own business, and I had begun taking a subtle interest in the boy who had liked me since summer.

Kris became quite the issue. Not only did he still like me, but it was revealed that he was also the boy that Taira had taking a liking to. What was I supposed to do then other than let it go? Every guy she had gotten involved with screwed her over and I still had feelings for the one that was my secret. All was well, peaceful. Then Kris had mentioned how he still liked me, and it was all downhill. She told me he was going to ask me to homecoming, and he did.

I was in a corner, it felt like. Here was my best friend, who really liked this guy even though she knew he liked me and her feelings were never as serious as she claimed, and there was a really sweet guy who not only liked me but needed a date to his senior homecoming. So, that being said, I accepted. Taira became highly upset with me, even through my explanation that I'd simply be going as his friend because every senior should have a date for their events. Through arguing with my mum because of the way Taira was acting, I was told I could no longer go (at least not as long as I lived under her roof.) And for some reason that broke my heart. Yet, it was okay, because there was still that boy - that secret.

A month had passed, maybe more, and Taira and I had become friends again. Though that too fell apart know December when my advice for a situation she was in was not what avenue wanted to hear. This situation I speak of is so extreme and so private to her, I dare not speak of it. Months went by. Months. In March, I see decided that in order to better myself, I had to let go of the past and not stick in silly fights with others. I apologised and things were good.

Or so I thought. In all reality, there were still things she had had not let go of. And now, just over a month later, we are no longer friends. One day I am getting harassed by her and Jenna, a mutual friend, for stating that I have a distaste for their friend Jade (whom Taira knows I do not like.) A few days later comes an apology, for she "does not know what has gotten into her." Add a few more days and she's become angry over my interest in having an overlay inatagram. That's right, an overlay instagram, simply because she is also interested and has one.

Since when did petty things like that make it okay to tell someone that they "like every single boy that breathes near you, including ones your friends liked before, you don't have your own fucking personality be sure you copy every fucking thing the people around you do." Or "no. Shut the fuck up. That's fucking bullshit hahaha you're a fucking asshole." (Mind you, this is all in caps and untrue.)

According to a later text, it was Andrew she was talking about and not Kris. Funny though, as I'm not trying to get with him. It seems hypocritical to be mad at me if I was though, being as how her best friend Jade introduced them, tried to hook them up, and then got with him. Not only that but "L o fucking L the photo thing? Really? Wow." So because you take interest to my passion, I can get mad, but because I take interest to your hobby, I'm a bad person all around? That is completely illogical.

Although I do feel kind of like shit about myself after having been bullied into feeling that way for over and hour, I've come to think it's some sort of inferiority complex because she's always angry when I get attention that she doesn't. Oh, that angsty teen bullshit.

Now here's a photo of me with my photography wall because every blog entry needs a damn picture so it's not so boring.

Dreams of things that make teens angsty

Since the beginning of my jaw locking and becoming ill, I've had different medications that make me dream different things in different ways. I've forgotten dreams, partially remembered dreams, and semi-lived dreams. It's all been very interesting, just because of a few muscle relaxers here and there.

But this is the day in which I can't get particular dream out of my mind. I had the dream yesterday, or maybe the day before. The dreams I remember are usually after midnight, so it's always very hard to track.

Isn't it funny, going off track? I must apologise as I often do so. The dream. It was like any other dream of mine: involving people I know, and people I've never seen that sometimes prove to exist later on in life.

This particular dream took place at a house party involving loads of people and booze. For some reason unknown to me I was completely snockered and decided to start dancing and vetting close to everyone. Just thinking about it makes me feel as if my body is glowing, which is a terrible thing because of the three involved. All three people I actually know, mind you.

The cause for my title is the fact that that one is my friend's ex, one is his brother, and the other is the best friend. Talk about trashy not classy. I got close to and kissed sweetly all three of them in the dream. I wanted so badly to write this out, but without saying who they are there is no proper way to do so. I fear with saying who they are, someone I know would miraculously stumble upon this to my misfortune. Let it be known, all three of these men are perfect.

2 Punk Rawk 4 Prawm

Prom. The night many relationships will begin and many will end. The night virginities will be lost, virginities will be taken, and STDs will be contracted. Boys and girls will spend loads of money trying to impress each other. Some will succeed and just as many will fail, so what's the point?

It seems like just yesterday I was being asked to prom with tons of balloons and flowers. Oh wait, no one asked me. No one asked me to prom, and I'm not eligible to go (obviously).

Honestly, it was no big deal. Even as the day began, I couldn't find a reason to care. "Ready 4 Prom!" "Pre-Prom Chillin'" All of my friends began sending me texts, snaps, and Facebook messages about their prom attire. Driving to In N Out, party buses were parked in front of houses, picking up groups of people from pre-prom parties. Status after status I've had to scroll through to find something about Friday night plans that didn't involve prom.

And I? I'm at home ill, hanging out with my cousin as a sort of anti-prom. How original.