Digital Catalyst~

So much has been going on that I've often meant to create longer blog entries for this, but couldn't tear myself away from my tumblr.

For weeks now, I’ve been waking up at 5am. If not 5am, then 4:50 something. No matter what, it’s either really close to the fifth hour, or in it. Sometimes involving at least two fives in the number, but I never really get a look because I’m half asleep. I recently found out that it’s a higher divine being trying to send me a message, and today I decided  to look into it further because I woke again at 5am.

A lot of the meaning of the number 5 has to do with myself, changes, and other positive things. It sybolises progression and personal freedom. (And let me tell you, I’ve been held back so much in my personal freedoms and recently decided to take my personality back and do what makes me happy.) Multiple appearances of this number five represent much needed changes for the better that will be coming. Good energies and opportunities are being ushered into my path along the right direction, according to the meaning.

Since I woke multiple days to notice the number 5 twice in the clock sequence, I also looked into the meaning of “55”. This seems to be a message from the beings that I need to break free of old restraints that have held me back in the past (And I did! But now it’s causing another road bump - oh well I guess?) I’m being told that these changes either need to occur or already are.

Because of the amount of vibrations I’ve felt, I’ve looked into the vibration meaning of the number. Though I often steer clear of negative meanings since much of these things come to me through astral beings, I went ahead and read through them first. I’m documenting this because literally none of the negative connotations applied, as I assumed they wouldn’t. The vibration meaning of the number 5 just reconfirms everything else, resonating with personal changes, life lessons, etc. - which makes me very happy!

My Day On Warped

My YouTube account has been encountering some problems, so my Warped post is now about two weeks late. I guess better late then never, right? Anyways, now that I've been able to get my video up here, I'm just going to paste from my tumblr the blog entry I've written:

"Hi guys! So, my day at Warped was pretty amazing. Daniella and I got up at about 6am to start getting ready and left with Christen and Anthony at about 7:30. Our outside adventures were pretty great - we discussed taking shits, met some cool bands that were out promoting, and played some games involving the styles of the people around us. (Mostly I made jokes about how many times I had seen Wolf and Andrew in half an hour.) Somewhere along the line, Anthony ended up losing his ticket, so we had to go to the ticket booth and show the bank statement to get him a replacement; I was also told I couldn’t bring in the poster I had made for New Beat Fund even though I was going to write their set time on it and walk around for them, so I ended up just folding it up really ghetto and shoving it to the bottom of my bag. Pretty intense before even getting in.

I ran into them and their Ghosty hands at the entrance and went to the tent to talk to the others, which was cool. For a while I walked around and hung up little posters with their set times, like in the girls bathroom and stuff and after that I just aimlessly wandered from booth to booth. An hour passed I’m sure before I really did anything else - i.e. buy merch and find friends. (A video of all the merch I bought or acquired can be found here and is only 30 seconds long.) After that I went back to the NBF booth and hung out there doing nothing really because I had nothing better to do. Wolf and Andrew showed up right as NBF was going to do their set, so we went to see them.

[Clearly, I like to give details on everything I did in my day. Guess I don’t like to forget any parts of days I enjoyed immensely.]

After the set the guys were going to split up again and try to sell CDs and show people their music; ended up going with Wolf and Andrew, and Wolf’s way of trying to sell was really A+. I don’t know what was more entertaining: Wolf trying to sell CDs or his singing during the Motion City Soundtrack set. Best set of the day. Maybe. It was amazing and I’m super happy to have seen them live; their music got me through freshman year. After that was more CD selling, searching for water, etc.

Then we all met back up since Chris wanted to see Bring Me The Horizon for his birthday - which was pretty cool because I completely forgot about that set, and it ended up being really amazing. Amazing in sense of the music being live, not really the people. Getting kicked in the face by crowd surfers really is not the business, plus I’m so short that I just get squished by everyone around me when they push. Thankfully, I didn’t die because Chris is awesome and made sure to hold onto me so we wouldn’t get separated. Despite all of the pits around us, I was able to watch a good amount of the set. Oliver Sykes had some seriously calming vibes. Unfortunately, I ended up having a heat stroke during the last song which really sucked because I was just done after that.

Donovan got separated from us so we ended up going to get water and back to the Music Saves Lives tent, at which point I was ready to give up on life. Then when I went to use my inhaler it wasn’t working anymore and was empty (maybe smooshed in my bag too much?) so I couldn’t breathe. Luckily for me, the guys were going to leave and Wolf offered to take me home since he felt bad leaving me there like that. Insert super happy dance here because he had his inhaler in his car and it was a complete regeneration like I was on top of the world after being able to breath. The next two hours were spent at Burger King and driving back home from Pomona, which was probably one of the most fun times ever because of how generally entertaining they all are. (Not to mention the fact that we played the Gatsby soundtrack.) I was slightly sad when I got home and realized back at Warped, The Wonder Years would be starting their set, but I’d rather be in a slightly-not-okay health situation like I am right now than having stayed and possibly ended up having to go to the hospital. All in all, it was a really good time with really good people and I can’t wait for next year. “Best day ever" was really a fitting theme.

[Still laughing at my sister calling “So you’re bringing Wolf home?" Probably should have just showed up instead of calling first, oh lawdy.]"

Little sisters are from hell

I'm growing more and more tired of having a younger sister. No matter how much my mum and stepdad deny it, it really is all about her. At least, if she wants something, he's jumping up to get it or take her or whatever; when I ask, I get yelled at about how it can't always be about me.

Today I am particularly pissy about it because of the general way she acts. She walks around dressed like a slut, which is my number one problem. No, I'm not slut shaming or whatever. She's just 13 years old and it is in no way appropriate. Not only that, but I'm still not allowed to dress the way she does. Then she wants to walk around being a little bitch, which makes it worse. I don't want your ass in my face while you make smart ass comments, idiot child.

Anyways, I asked her for her drawstring backpack, so I can use it for Warped on Friday. I literally cannot afford to go buy any bag of any type and she's borrowed literally all but two of my bags/purses - which I'd use but hello, Warped is not a place for leather purses. She brings it to me, with the drawstrings ripped off. Seriously? Are you fucking serious? You couldn't say "Oh, it's broken"? You bring it to me destroyed? I wouldn't really care, because it's hers, but the fact that she's destroyed everything she has borrowed from me and her things just pisses me off.

How selfish can someone be? She really needs a good ol' fashioned beating or something. Every time I turn around she's ruined something that doesn't belong to her or she's got tons of bags of chips open and wasting. It isn't a big deal, but when it adds up that she's got 15 bags on the table that are now stale and belong in the trash it's a problem. Other people in the house could have eaten that. Not just that, but if she wasn't going to eat them then the money adds up - that's a new drawstring bag right there. Growing up I was taught not to be wasteful and to respect the property of others or property that is going to be shared. I don't understand why she has no disregard for any of that.

Now I'm sitting here flipping my shit trying to figure out why she gets so much fucking attention and I'm trying to be conservative and can't even get enough attention to go get some vinegar so I can finish my shirt for Friday. I'm sitting here crying at my computer because my poster can't be finished without the paint that has magically gone missing, my shirt can't be finished without vinegar, and I can't get anything ready without a damn bag. Everyone just needs to fuck off me today.

Dysfunctional to disowned

When Jordan first told me that we'd all be a family, I didn't think I'd fit in. And although it took me a while, time proved him right. Last year was probably the most amazing theatre family I had. This year, I am the matriarch. And it sucks. It isn't at all how it was supposed to be, or even how I imagined it.

Everything is secluded. Joe, Javon, and I versus the little Asian girls and their friends. Tomorrow is supposed to be an awards banquet, and when I announced it they all started talking about some beach thing they were doing. All year, I have not been invited to any of the "theatre" things they've done. It's not a "theatre thing" if it's not planned by the whole group for the whole group.

It upsets me so much to see how all of Ms. Sully's teachings have gone to such shit for some girl who wants to control everything and do really nothing just so she can look successful. And there's so much I have to say about it that I can barely think. Honestly, I could probably write a novel about how my theatre family when from dysfunctional to disowning me. It hurts. My theatre "family" sucks this year.

Glitter and Googley Eyes

Lately I've gotten really busy with the production of "Daylight Romance" as well as finals. It's been about two weeks now that I've been meaning to post, but I just haven't had the time at all. Other than school, I've just been trying to put together outfits that will make me feel better about myself, but I haven't really been succeeding. I still feel like shit. I'm still fat. I'm still ugly. But these outfits are cute. Plus, my hair has been dyed again. Though I do sort of wish I had just left it alone. (Another topic below these four OOTDs)

On Saturday, there was a conversation Luis had started with me. It's literally been bothering me that long. Not so much the conversation itself, but the fact that it seems there's a reason behind it or just that he had something on his mind I guess, and the fact that he ignored something he started. I don't really know how to explain myself, just that I like to document things in the moment and then I can't really decode them later on.

Here's how our conversation went:

Luis: But my point is how could we be friends if there's other things going on in your mind????

Me: There's always other things going on in the minds of people like me Luis. Why so curious?
Luis: Nothing subconcious that will arise later? Nothing that will get in between a friendship??
Me: Christ you sure do know how to make one feel backed into a corner. Subconcious? I don't really know. As for something that will get in between a friendship, I think I could prevent that.

Then there was the:

"Sorry but I've been in this situation before. Two girls. One I wanted and the other that kept everything to herself. Turns out that the other girl ended up liking me more than the girl I was chasing."

And we can't forget the:

Me: I feel odd now that I'm at a loss for words... I guess I just don't like to talk about things when there's a higher risk for me to be sad after I have.

Luis: Yeah but there's a higher risk of losing a friend over hidden emotions. So please, talk this through when you can.

Me: If emotions are hidden, then there'd be no risk.

Luis: Yeah, it seems that way until someone ends up getting hurt.
Me: It's usually the one who tries hiding emotions. Anyways, I suppose I could start with the night you asked me if I still had any remaining feelings. Maybe 5/6 months ago. I said no, even though I felt something, only because I wasn't sure what it was and wanted you to be happy. Maybe a month later, I felt a regret in doing so but knew it wasn't likely to have made a difference had I said so.

Luis: Yeah I remember but I'm focusing on now

Me: That's the thing, it's just as before with my not knowing exactly what's going on in my mind, and preferring to just keep quiet.
Luis: No, not this time Bridgette! I want this done and out in the open please.

Then there was the sending of messages at the same time which resulted in this:

Me: Why? It's not a problem and if you say it is, it's because you're making it so. It can't be very obvious or anything that there is some small feeling, especially because I've got no idea why.

Luis: But you're right. I'll ignore it.

Me: Just stated above so it clearly can't be ignored.

I mean, I just don't understand his train of thought. Like, why would this be anything similar to the other situation with the two females? And where did the concept of "hidden emotions" come from? I just don't understand why he seems to care so much about something that has never been talked about. Where did his theory, or blatant knowing, come from?

Belonging

Today was the first workshop for Colourguard, and I loved it. The girls are all really awesome and there are some pretty cool people trying out. I learned everything pretty well I think, but I'm really worried for the dance portion tomorrow. Like freaking out type worried. But I sort of feel that sense of belonging.

On the plus side, I can practice until I get better (not perfect, because Practice Makes Better, Not Perfect, is what the old coach would say) because Gloria brought me her old flags. Since she went to Narbonne, they used short flags though. It's better than nothing, and one of them is even a blue and silver flag.

Here's Christen, Melissa (who I just met), and I.

A smile was all he gave to me

Well, there was the smile and a bit of conversation so I don't get what my mind is trying to tell me. Daniella says the dreams,and drift-off daydreams that I don't realise I'm creating must mean something. It's just starting to get bothersome because there's black need for the dreams unless the universe itself is trying to tell me something - which I'm doubting in this case.

My mind is everywhere and I don't know why. Even my pictures are saying I must not have my head on straight - they've all been coming out blurry here and there.

In other news I went mother's day shopping today. I got quite a few things for my mum. Pretty useless things now that I really think of it. I'm quite the terrible gift giver unless it comes to romantic things.

Rushmore has now been added to my collection, though, so I'm somewhat happy.