More and more since the beginning of the year, the school year I guess, I've felt a lacking sense of belonging. At this point all I really have to look forward to is the end of term. The people pretend to care, pretend to understand or know about things when they really don't.
"Once a Colt, always a Colt." Obviously not. Obviously, that's long dead and gone. Campus no longer feels like the welcoming place it once was; no longer feels like the place that made me feel like I was living a bad 80s film.
With the break of the school into three Ms. Sullivan was given a choice between what she could do, leaving drama behind and going to one of the new schools was the best opportunity after all the effort she had given, so she left. And with her left the spirit of the theatre that had once existed there. It's more painful than it should be, yes, but the drama club was the one place I could belong and feel okay most often.
Upon her leaving and the discovery of the new advisors and teachers, I decided to take up being president so that I could continue to keep the magic that existed under Ms. Sullivan's watch alive. Sure it was good at first, but more and more I've been made to feel inferior and unwanted, even though it is and should be the exact opposite. More and more of a burden theatre has become, but I can't just give up halfway through the year. That's not how I was taught.
Even through all my hard work for keeping theatre alive, things have somehow gone down the shitter. I can't tell if somehow I have let them down, or if they are letting me down. That's how bad it's become. Everyone just about cast in the play is doing so bad that I might have to cancel. It's hard to think that I'm even a part of this.
There was also journalism. When I found out that I could write for the paper and be a voice for the student body, I felt such a strong sense that I could belong there. Not to mention the admiration I had felt for and how I had been changed by things from the op/ed section the prior year and how that had made me want to write for the paper. And so I joined! And I felt that sense of belonging! I was given articles and getting to participate in the activities with the editors and made the photo editor.
Just like the lacking sense of belonging that left with members not wanting to listen or participate or do what they should in theatre club, so did my sense of belonging in journalism: fellow journalists making me feel unwanted, editors not assigning me any stories. It sucked and it stressed me out to be in trouble over not doing my job when I wasn't given one and there wasn't one to take.
When it came down to having to leave or suffer due to health issues, of course I had to leave. And so today I had asked if I could help with the final paper of the year, to belong and do great just one last time (Once a Colt, Always a Colt), and I was told no. "It's all or nothing, Bridgette," Ms. North said with the added Frenchyness to my name. It's too bad that even when I was there I had nothing, so I guess it's nothing either way.
I have nowhere to belong.
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